Dead of night, dead of mind

Sometimes late at night when I can’t sleep and those horrid mind-numbing feelings sink in, the best thing I can do is just spout out my emotions in writing. (Usually in my ever handy iPhone and sometimes, like below, it comes out in odd verse.) My fingers begin typing away in a mad fury and before I know it, I’ve written out what I’m feeling and I begin to heal. I’m no poet, but my mind seems to try and make an attempt when it’s late at night and stuck in one of those states.

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What’s wrong with me? I don’t understand.

How can days of light and joy turn into a dark and sickening trance?

I’m empty inside, I can barely smile.

When I go to bed at night my face contorts into a cry.

What use to make me happy is dead, it’s gone inside.

A thick branch of cold dim hands has grasped onto my mind.

I can’t speak up, what would I even say?

I have no idea what’s happening. Oh God, please make it go away.

Like a hooded mask of death I can feel him stand close by.

Or is it all in my head, I want to crush it all inside.

It’s sick, it’s twisted, I’m scared, I loathe my mind, this hidden lie,

how can I ever escape this somber sensation of wanting to die?

Does anyone else find themselves releasing their pain when they write it out? It’s almost as if you may be suffering, but you’ve turned it into something productive. Although for me, in the morning I look at what I wrote in those late night moments and think, “What the…?”

 

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8 thoughts on “Dead of night, dead of mind

  1. Oh yes – I have found huge relief in ‘therapeutic writing’ – it’s been so wonderful for me! I’ve actually been in a better place lately, so my posts have taken on a different tone, but when I feel I need it, the writing’s a great outlet.

      • :-) Writing does use other areas of the brain, so the information is processed in a different manner – perhaps that’s why? Also, handwriting is processed differently to the typewritten word. I don’t know why; I suppose it’s the different types of movement. Odd, isn’t it, how these things change the way we experience our expression?

  2. I feel the same at times as well, and writing has also been one of my biggest outlets. I used to write such bad pieces, and to rid myself of the negativity I would burn them afterwards. A bir crazy, I know, but it helped.

  3. I find that if I write it down, it becomes tangible (and to be all science-y, it gains a quantum address and adds its harmonic to the Grand Chord) and then it can be dealt with in whatever fashion you like. Sometimes I tear it up, sometimes I burn it, and once or twice, I’ve taped it to the wall so I won’t forget.
    I think maybe the act of giving it weight does something, chemically, in our brains. We don’t have to carry all of it anymore (of course, it doesn’t go away, but it does feel “lighter” somehow).

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