Scanning through the blogs I follow, today’s Daily Prompt reminded me of something surreal, something almost Twilight Zone-ish that I would do. I’ve never been able to quite explain it to people, so I’ll give it my best shot. I’m interested to see if any of you have had this same experience.
When I was a child, I have no idea how I came across the idea of doing this (I was always an odd kid), I would stare into the mirror at times and kind of get in this trance. It felt similar to when you stare at something for a long time and your gaze becomes locked and you just can’t break away. Well, while I was locked in this trance, I would find myself having this experience where I would forget who I was. I didn’t feel like a person anymore. I didn’t feel like anything. Lost in this state, my mind would try to tell myself I was a girl, I had a family, I had a name, I did everyday human things…but that seemed so foreign to me. I couldn’t possibly fathom that this was real. I wasn’t this person my mind was trying to tell me from far away through this hazy state. I felt no connection to who I was. This person my mind was trying to tell me about was a stranger. But not just a stranger, something that couldn’t possibly exist. Living a life everyday surrounded by people was something so odd and couldn’t be real. Being this everyday person just wasn’t possible. It was as if I was looking at the life of a human from the viewpoint of some kind of being that wasn’t able to live. The very idea of living and being someone just couldn’t happen. It was crazy. And this girl who I tried to tell myself I was, was someone else. Was someone I had never known, much less could have been at one time.
It’s hard to explain the confusion and almost sadness that would come over me because I knew at any second I could pull myself out of this state and become who my mind was trying to tell me I was. But at that moment it just didn’t feel normal. It wasn’t true. When I would pull myself out, feeling as if my mind was coming into focus, leaving the pull of a vacuum, everything would come back to me. The unreal person my mind was trying to tell me about was there and was indeed me. I felt normal again, and a little bewildered that my mind had gone into that state where I didn’t believe I existed. I was able to do this whenever I wanted as a child, even into my teenage years. I haven’t tried recently. Not in the past few years. I’ve been tempted to, just to see if I can take my mind there again, but since I tried to research and failed (because how do you find that on the internet?), I’ve been a little scared to try again. I’m afraid that maybe my mind wouldn’t be able to go there and I would just become frustrated and confused. Or perhaps, I would go there and it may not exactly be the healthiest state to be in. I mean, I already doubt myself enough as it is.
It was hard to put this otherworldly feeling into words, so it may come out a bit jumbled. But that’s no surprise when it comes to me talking about anything. Whenever I try to explain it, I just get weird looks and decide yeah, I’m going to just shut up now. If anyone has experienced anything remotely like this, I would be very interested to hear about it. I would love to find someone else who has gone through this, so even if it’s an alien taking over my brain, at least I’ll have a fellow alien impostor here to talk to. ;)