He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.

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So I have decided to take the plunge and seek therapy and let me tell you, I’m scared. I’m terrified. I go tomorrow and I’m doing everything I can not to think about it too much because if I do I fear that I’ll just back out. Is it always like this your first time? This feeling of skepticism and unease? Maybe what’s scaring me so much is the fact that I’m doing this all on my own. I haven’t told a single person, so I have no one to turn to for support. There’s just so much doubt and maybe even embarrassment that keeps me from sharing.

I come from a family that doesn’t believe in this kind of help. I have an older sister, who has needed psychiatric help since she was a child, but my mother refused to face that there was anything wrong until my father finally stepped up. Presently, at the age of 30 where she has nearly retreated into a childlike state, she is visiting a psychologist. Now I don’t have the issues my sister has, which is why I could never bring my need for therapy up to my family. If they thought my sister shouldn’t get help, they’ll sure as hell think I don’t need it. But I have my own problems that I don’t share for fear of being thought strange. It hasn’t been until the past two years that I’ve finally realized I shouldn’t have to deal with this on my own. I don’t want to continue going through life thinking I’m not a good person.

Looking back I know how difficult it’s been going from happy to sad and angry for no reason. Lying in states of darkness where all I can do is cry and I have no idea why. The older I’ve grown, the worse it has become. There’s this dark, sick fog that comes when I’m feeling alright and living normally, and slowly creeps into my brain and stays there, grabbing hold of my emotions, turning me into a monster. It’s affecting my life, my relationships, I’ve just become so tired of it. I know I was an angry child. I was a little beast compared to my siblings and was constantly being locked up and punished. I’m still an angry person, but I’ve learned to bottle it all up inside. But sometimes, the rage and sadness just overwhelms me and I want to burst. This, a long with a few other things that have happened to me in the past, have been weighing on my heart and bringing me down. I don’t know if therapy can help, but I feel like I have to reach out to someone and at least try, for the sake of my own sanity. It took me almost a year to just find someone and weeks to gain the courage to call. Now it’s tomorrow and I’m so scared. However, hearing the stories of everyday people who have sought therapy and felt relief, gives me hope. It makes me think maybe, just maybe, I can find a way to be the person I want so terribly to be, not just this demon in disguise.

I’m usually a very private person, but I know there are others out there like me battling their own issues, or have already found that light at the end of the tunnel. Therefore, just reading each other’s words may help.

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9 thoughts on “He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.

  1. I think reading each other’s words does help – well, it helps me, anyway. Like you, I find the prospect of opening up to the point of vulnerability scary (at least, that’s how I interpreted your post, I do apologize if I got it wrong) but despite this, I have found therapy to be incredibly healing. I plan to remain in therapy even after I “get better” because I feel it adds so much to my life. (In fact, if I had my way, everyone would be in therapy! Just joking)
    Good luck tomorrow. May your worst nightmares evaporate and your deepest hopes be fulfilled. (What will most likely happen is something in between, but even that might be OK, I hope!) :-)

  2. I hear you S. Antihero. You may be a bit bipolar – it’s no biggie but it can wear you down over time. Sometimes those closest to you can miss the point entirely, and hurt you the most (unintentionally). They look but don’t see; listen but can’t hear. They rub you up the wrong way and disempower you, all in the twinkle of an eye and with unwitting aplomb. You may be getting your social cues from the wrong people too. And there may be a bit of altered chemistry in the brain also, particularly if this has been going on for some time. Nothing too extravagant I’m sure. The lack of support is an issue. I guess if you had the support you may not need the therapist. :) But don’t fret: que sera sera. And Shalom.

  3. I understand….I’m seeing a psychologist Monday and I’m terrified. My family does not believe in depression,etc. That I’m just dramatic and I need the will power to change. Very frustrating. But do we fake it for the rest of our lives?

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