I feel like I really hit a break through in therapy this week. As I’ve mentioned in my last few posts on this subject, I’ve always been iffy when it comes to therapy. It took me years to finally just admit that I needed it. My therapist is lovely and I feel like I can really talk to her which is great. Still, I’ve been going for a little over a month now, I believe, and haven’t quite felt like I’m getting anything out of it. She was giving me some interesting advice on how to cope with my depression and emotional issues and I’ve been starting to look and see if there’s a pattern in my good and bad days. I understand it can take a while to really feel like you’re getting somewhere, so of course I stuck with it. I hate to be a quitter.
This week though, we really got into something emotional in my past that likely causes so much of the pain that I have now as an adult. For the first time, I had someone tell me that I’m not to blame, I shouldn’t have had to deal with this, and it’s very unhealthy. This whole time I’ve in someway thought everything was my fault. I felt the things that happened to me never needed to be addressed. I was this disturbed person, because that was just me, and I had to deal with it. I never like to go into things that have hurt me because I have this fear of coming off as a whiner, like I’m just holding a little pity party. To hear that what I dealt with, what I thought was normal, were indeed wrongdoings – and not on my part, felt like a weight being lifted. I’m not just this weirdo who is angry, sad, who has no self esteem and is lacking the ability to show emotion and love. There is a reason that I have turned out this way, and more importantly, what I longed to hear, and did hear, was that I can overcome this. I can grow stronger and find ways to separate myself from the pain that has happened to me and find who I really am. This whole time I’ve felt like I’ve been walking through life, sick, in this dark misty haze. After my session, after hearing that I’m not the bad person that I’ve always felt I was, that I had no control over what happened to me, this wasn’t my fault, — just hearing that I can learn to love myself and turn things around, made me feel so…happy. I left with a new sense of freedom and way of looking at things. And these past few days I have found myself feeling calm, which is something I haven’t felt in a long time.