The Dragon’s Deed

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Her cries were shrill as they pierced the air, the maiden wept as this terror was too much to bear.

He came then closer and held her tight, she couldn’t get away despite struggling with all her might.

His hot breath bore down as his massive form nearly crushed her, he would now have what he had always lust for.

His eyes ablaze with a twisted gleam, the monster began to rip her dress apart at the seams.

As it appeared to be over, he would soon take her all, she heard a noise deep behind the cavern’s darkened wall.

A roar from the beast that had been slumbering there, he now rose with anger, his brilliant eyes squinted in a glare.

The knight dropped her then as his knees began to shake, apparently tonight this virgin would not be his to take.

With a mighty roar and a blast of simmering light, a wispy pile of ashes was all that was left of the shining knight.

The dragon retreated to his shadowy chamber, his heroic deed was done now that the innocent was not in danger.

The maiden rejoiced as she set off for her kingdom but paused to marvel at the beast who had fought for her freedom.

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Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie: Fairy Tale Prompt

Me vs Health Insurance

Man oh man, do I hate health insurance companies. They’re the worst. The thing is, I’m a pretty healthy person physically. I’ve never had to stay in a hospital or had any serious illness. *Knock on wood.* However, in the past few years, I have been battling teenage breakouts. I already look like a teenager, so add in the gross teenage hormonal skin, and no one takes me seriously when I claim I’m 27. As a teenager I had a few breakouts, but nothing serious. Well, now in my 20s my skin is a raging acne party. This is great for someone who already has low self esteem let me tell you. I’ve been on the dreaded Accutane medication twice where my skin and lips caused me to look like a shedding lizard. Now after my second go at it, my clear skin only lasted a mere 6 months. Those dreaded lumps of evil are already beginning to creep back up on me. My dermatologist and I have become the best of friends. Last time he told me, “You know, you actually have very beautiful skin underneath it all.” Thanks. Too bad I only get to see it for a few short months at a time. Well, instead of going on Accutane (technically it’s now just called isotretinoin) for a third time that may cause my liver to shrivel up for good, he’s having me use a retinoid medicine. I really wasn’t looking forward to getting on the strong drug again, so going on a topical retinoid seemed to be a good idea. Well, that’s where the lovely insurance comes in to crush my dreams. Apparently they won’t cover retinoids because they’re also used to get rid of wrinkles and I could just be using it for that. Okay, my skin may have a lot of issues, but as of now, wrinkles are not one of them. My doctor is now having to show the company my medical records, all the harsh drugs I’ve been on just to stop my face from breaking out. He’s trying to show them I do need this medication. Sure, acne isn’t the worse thing to happen to someone, but it’s pretty damn depressing that’s for sure.(Right, kids? Surely there are some 13 year olds out there who feel me.) I already fight depression as it is. Let’s just also make my face look like a pizza while we’re at it. That’ll really uplift me. So it’s been back and forth with this company trying to tell me they won’t cover it, I’ll have to spend $800, they need to review my files, they need to drag this out as long as they can, blah blah blah. The other medication I was on was birth control. And they were a pain about that as well. Yeah, let’s constantly send you your birth control late and be late about getting your renewed ones to you, because that’s something that’s going to work well taken late. Ugh, so health insurance has been a royal pain for me since, forever. Please tell me that they’re not greedy, frustrating little trolls to everyone else? Oh, and if anyone out there has a cure for this annoying adult acne, I will give you my first born child.

“Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood; don’t go there alone.”

You know what’s great? Every Wednesday afternoon, I feel so uplifted and happy. Why? My therapy session is in the middle of the day and once I leave that office, there’s this giant weight that has been removed from my shoulders. I seriously feel so much lighter. Sometimes I don’t have a breakthrough or life shattering moment during therapy, but just being able to be listened to, being able to open up without the fear that I’ll be judged as some kind of a bad person or weirdo gives me such a feeling of relief. It’s better than any drug I could ask for. Of course, the long term affects have not been permanent so far, but perhaps one day?

I had been debating on going to therapy for some time. I knew I needed it. I was just scared of seeking help. I had never been to any kind of doctor about this before, and having no one to turn to- only myself- was terrifying. But my mind was lost in this fog where I was screaming at the top of my lungs and no one could hear me. The only thing I could think of to find relief was to just jump through that fog and off the nearest cliff. I’m so glad I sought help. To anyone that feels like they need it, but is unsure, I can only say go for it. Do it for yourself. My feeling of being so alone and strange in this world is being chiseled away. (Okay, I believe I’m still strange, but not everything can be fixed, right?) Being able to understand myself better and why I think or do the things I do is coming to light and I don’t feel so confused. I always thought I was a bad person. Well, I knew deep down I was a good person, but I felt in everyone’s eyes, and even my own at times, I was pretty rotten. *Hence, my not so subtle blog header of two different sides/pictures of myself. Ah, I think I’m so creative. And then I realize readers probably think I just like putting pictures of myself up all over my blog. Not so! There was a (poorly) hidden message in there!* I felt kind of like those poor villains in the fairy tales that are born, or turned via circumstance, into a less than great person and that’s just how they’re fated to live out their life. They’re the evil screw ups sucking the life out of all the hero’s happily ever afters. Even their own. That’s mainly why my blog has antihero in the title. I just wasn’t the hero in my life, but I couldn’t be so hard on myself to be just a villain. Feeling like the world sees you as a bad person, and then viewing yourself that way became so unhealthy. There’s a lot of things I have to work through. Part of my problems are just who I am and learning to accept that and love myself is new, but I’m getting there. Part of my so called “problems” I honestly don’t want to get rid of because I like being different. Everyone should embrace their differences. But there are some areas of my mind and actions that were destroying me that therapy has been able to give me some relief. Like I said, things haven’t completely turned around for me, but the weight is becoming easier to bear. I’m not as depressed, I’m not as angry, and I’m finding my moods easier to control. Well, sometimes. I’m still a pretty moody person. I’m also learning about how the things that happened to me throughout my life have affected the way I turned out, but I can learn to overcome that. For the first time in, I don’t know- forever?, I feel as if I have somewhere to turn to and help bring me out of the darkness and back into the light.

This post really doesn’t have much structure to it. I really just wanted to write this down to try and state how relieving therapy can be (even just talking it out) to anyone who, like myself, knew they needed it- but were too scared to go for it. We all have our hidden issues and sometimes they become too much to keep to yourself. I’ve found seeking help has been one of the bravest and most rewarding things I could have done and I encourage anyone who feels they could benefit from it, but are fearful, to just think about what is best for you. Worse case scenario- you realize this isn’t what you need and you stop going. Best case- you feel that wonderful, delightful feeling of relief I have been able to experience.

This building had me thinking about castles as I sat outside therapy today.

This building had me thinking about castles as I sat outside therapy today.

 

 

Oh, take me away from here

 

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I have this insane itching desire to just pack up my bags and leave. I want to travel the world and see everything, but year after year I seem to be putting it off. But for what, exactly? Oh well there’s money and work and all the responsibilities that come with the adult life. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in a loveless marriage with myself where I feel trapped and suffocated. I find myself staring out the window of my cage as I do the monotonous daily chores, trying to imagine myself being anywhere but here. I’ll blast the music as loud as I can while I sit in that rush hour traffic, trying to blare away that hopeless feeling. Just staring at the weathered saddened faces of those in the city as they pass me by, and I’ll get a clinching feeling in my gut and I begin to think, will I turn into that person? Is that me now? I plug my headphones in and turn up that “happy playlist” my therapist had me create so I can just escape that darkening dread that begins to descend upon me. I find myself sometimes ignoring life, finding anything to distract myself. Just finding something to take me away. As far away as I can get. When it gets to the point where I realize how far I’m vanishing, that’s when I feel the need to come back. To come back to this world that I know can be so glorious and run. That’s right, just run away and find what I’m looking for. It’s only when I realize I have no idea what I’m looking for that my true problem emerges. I need to find myself and therefore I can find peace, happiness, and what exactly is missing in my life. I need to stop giving a damn about what everyone thinks or what I should be doing now. If I could just find a way to shake it all off my shoulders then, ah, what a relief that would be. What freedom! Then, I feel as if I could sprout wings and just soar through life. Do whatever the hell I want to do. Be who I want to be. I would no longer feel so shrouded in this heavy cloak of expectations and instead I could just be me. But not the sad, lost me. No, I could be the happy, confident girl I want to be. It wasn’t too long ago I seriously considered dropping it all and just taking off. Just trying to find myself. I’m beginning to think now that it may not be such a bad idea to follow through on.

As I child I would imagine a big giant white unicorn would come to my window at night. I would see it in the moonlight, throw open the window, climb onto his back and he would just fly me away from here (unlike most unicorns, mine would fly). Far away. And I would never return. Unicorn, if you’re out there somewhere, I could really use that escape plan right about now, buddy.

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Dear Mama

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Mama, I wasn’t always this way. I wasn’t always so cold. I can remember being a happy child, a child who laughed, who loved every moment in this world.

I felt loved, he told me if you had to choose then I would be your favorite. So what happened then to make you loathe me and try to heed my existence?

I was only a child, you knew I would fight back. When a caged animal is pushed and probed, of course it will attack. Did this justify things? Did this quench your thirst for reason?

Why even as a child I could recognize the satisfied malice gleam in those eyes as they turned me into a volatile wreck. That’s what I became, and still am now, I’ll admit I’m an absolute mess.  But you know this, although now you’ll sugarcoat it all, because, bitch, that’s what you do best.

One of my happiest memories was Halloween, I think I loved them all. You’d take me in my little baby seat on the back of your bike through town. I still think of that bat, with its velvet wings and satiny purple gleam. I treasured that thing, but like everything else it became torn and tattered, spattered with blood and left in the corner to fend for itself.

I do know, Mama, that I loved you so, and I felt you truly loved me. So where did it go? Or did it ever exist? Maybe you always hated me.

Hate is a strong word, you told me so yourself. I still remember the sting of your slap. If that’s true, why do it now? Why hate me and then show your love for everyone else?

I may be far away and out of sight where we can’t hit and quarrel. But every day, month, that you shut me out it twists that fleshy knot deeper until my emotions wrench and spew venomous thoughts about.

Is this your new form of the crying room? Have you locked me in and thrown away the key? Now I can sit here howling and raging against the night knowing that no one will ever hear me.

You’re the devil, a beast, the thing I hate most. No child should have wrath against her mother. But, Mama, I swear, this hatred is there only because I want you to love me, I’m your daughter.

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The Fall of the Queen

Pushing my way through the dense entanglement of arms. Seeing the awaiting blade, my mouth gaped in a horrific awe.

Why was I even here to witness such an animosity? Such a disturbing, depressing show of one’s great fall?

“Whore.” “Liar.” “Witch.” “Heathen.” All these words were hissed and chortled over. It anguished me to hear it, why I don’t know.

Maybe she was all of these things. I never knew her. Then why did my soul lament? Why was I here to see this sickening show?

I am no queen. But I strive for love, I strive for power, I strive to be the best at what I can be.

But sometimes, this can all backfire on you. Sometimes you will succeed and fail in front of the whole world to see.

The hunger grew wild. Hissing, writhing snakes. Ready to strike as their prey was lifted through the crowd.

Ascended to her platform of awaiting heinous doom. Readying her head for that one final bow.

What once must have been draped in the finest of glories was now stripped of it all. She was nothing but a bare child.

No monster, no demon. Just a girl, who had tasted it all, and gone so far. Her dreams had thus run too wild.

All she wanted was love. All she wanted was power. But you can’t have both of those without paying a price.

And that she paid dearly…It cost her, her life…

Despised by her people. Replaced by her King.

Her hope had vanished, she would now be nothing more than the legend of a failed Queen.

They cheered and roared, the sorceress was now gone.

No one stopped to ponder, like me, and see what had really gone wrong.

My heart laden with grief, I understood her ambition. You just wanted the world, didn’t you, my friend?

Quiet now, the jesters are afar. I kiss the breeze that passes over what remains of the beautiful late Anne Boleyn.

 

Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie: Tale Weaver Prompt