I have this insane itching desire to just pack up my bags and leave. I want to travel the world and see everything, but year after year I seem to be putting it off. But for what, exactly? Oh well there’s money and work and all the responsibilities that come with the adult life. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in a loveless marriage with myself where I feel trapped and suffocated. I find myself staring out the window of my cage as I do the monotonous daily chores, trying to imagine myself being anywhere but here. I’ll blast the music as loud as I can while I sit in that rush hour traffic, trying to blare away that hopeless feeling. Just staring at the weathered saddened faces of those in the city as they pass me by, and I’ll get a clinching feeling in my gut and I begin to think, will I turn into that person? Is that me now? I plug my headphones in and turn up that “happy playlist” my therapist had me create so I can just escape that darkening dread that begins to descend upon me. I find myself sometimes ignoring life, finding anything to distract myself. Just finding something to take me away. As far away as I can get. When it gets to the point where I realize how far I’m vanishing, that’s when I feel the need to come back. To come back to this world that I know can be so glorious and run. That’s right, just run away and find what I’m looking for. It’s only when I realize I have no idea what I’m looking for that my true problem emerges. I need to find myself and therefore I can find peace, happiness, and what exactly is missing in my life. I need to stop giving a damn about what everyone thinks or what I should be doing now. If I could just find a way to shake it all off my shoulders then, ah, what a relief that would be. What freedom! Then, I feel as if I could sprout wings and just soar through life. Do whatever the hell I want to do. Be who I want to be. I would no longer feel so shrouded in this heavy cloak of expectations and instead I could just be me. But not the sad, lost me. No, I could be the happy, confident girl I want to be. It wasn’t too long ago I seriously considered dropping it all and just taking off. Just trying to find myself. I’m beginning to think now that it may not be such a bad idea to follow through on.
As I child I would imagine a big giant white unicorn would come to my window at night. I would see it in the moonlight, throw open the window, climb onto his back and he would just fly me away from here (unlike most unicorns, mine would fly). Far away. And I would never return. Unicorn, if you’re out there somewhere, I could really use that escape plan right about now, buddy.