You know what’s great? Every Wednesday afternoon, I feel so uplifted and happy. Why? My therapy session is in the middle of the day and once I leave that office, there’s this giant weight that has been removed from my shoulders. I seriously feel so much lighter. Sometimes I don’t have a breakthrough or life shattering moment during therapy, but just being able to be listened to, being able to open up without the fear that I’ll be judged as some kind of a bad person or weirdo gives me such a feeling of relief. It’s better than any drug I could ask for. Of course, the long term affects have not been permanent so far, but perhaps one day?
I had been debating on going to therapy for some time. I knew I needed it. I was just scared of seeking help. I had never been to any kind of doctor about this before, and having no one to turn to- only myself- was terrifying. But my mind was lost in this fog where I was screaming at the top of my lungs and no one could hear me. The only thing I could think of to find relief was to just jump through that fog and off the nearest cliff. I’m so glad I sought help. To anyone that feels like they need it, but is unsure, I can only say go for it. Do it for yourself. My feeling of being so alone and strange in this world is being chiseled away. (Okay, I believe I’m still strange, but not everything can be fixed, right?) Being able to understand myself better and why I think or do the things I do is coming to light and I don’t feel so confused. I always thought I was a bad person. Well, I knew deep down I was a good person, but I felt in everyone’s eyes, and even my own at times, I was pretty rotten. *Hence, my not so subtle blog header of two different sides/pictures of myself. Ah, I think I’m so creative. And then I realize readers probably think I just like putting pictures of myself up all over my blog. Not so! There was a (poorly) hidden message in there!* I felt kind of like those poor villains in the fairy tales that are born, or turned via circumstance, into a less than great person and that’s just how they’re fated to live out their life. They’re the evil screw ups sucking the life out of all the hero’s happily ever afters. Even their own. That’s mainly why my blog has antihero in the title. I just wasn’t the hero in my life, but I couldn’t be so hard on myself to be just a villain. Feeling like the world sees you as a bad person, and then viewing yourself that way became so unhealthy. There’s a lot of things I have to work through. Part of my problems are just who I am and learning to accept that and love myself is new, but I’m getting there. Part of my so called “problems” I honestly don’t want to get rid of because I like being different. Everyone should embrace their differences. But there are some areas of my mind and actions that were destroying me that therapy has been able to give me some relief. Like I said, things haven’t completely turned around for me, but the weight is becoming easier to bear. I’m not as depressed, I’m not as angry, and I’m finding my moods easier to control. Well, sometimes. I’m still a pretty moody person. I’m also learning about how the things that happened to me throughout my life have affected the way I turned out, but I can learn to overcome that. For the first time in, I don’t know- forever?, I feel as if I have somewhere to turn to and help bring me out of the darkness and back into the light.
This post really doesn’t have much structure to it. I really just wanted to write this down to try and state how relieving therapy can be (even just talking it out) to anyone who, like myself, knew they needed it- but were too scared to go for it. We all have our hidden issues and sometimes they become too much to keep to yourself. I’ve found seeking help has been one of the bravest and most rewarding things I could have done and I encourage anyone who feels they could benefit from it, but are fearful, to just think about what is best for you. Worse case scenario- you realize this isn’t what you need and you stop going. Best case- you feel that wonderful, delightful feeling of relief I have been able to experience.