Warning: Ranting Ahead

medium_7126218933

Things have been quite frustrating lately where I’ve found little time to write. This is odd because when I’m upset, that’s usually when the words come pouring out. But this time, my frustrations have come with that listless emotion where I just can’t bring myself to write anything down. That was something I needed to snap out of today and what better way to do that then to write down a few things that have been bothering me?

Work is one of them. Not only am I not completely happy with what I do, I have the feeling that I’m pretty useless when it comes to my position. The fact that I’m not too thrilled about my job in the first place, doesn’t help me step up and try to better myself. A big problem also has to do with one of my coworkers. He’s probably one of the most obnoxious people to be around, and I work closely with him. He seems to not have any friends, and may possibly have some sort of mental issue that causes him to act the way he does. I usually pity people this way and try to be a friend, but this guy makes it nearly impossible. He tries to steal every task I’m given, gets extremely jealous, and goes out of his way to make himself seem more important than me. He has even, at times, tried to make me look incompetent in front of other coworkers. He has very little personality and thinks of himself as a far more superior person than those around him. I had a nice lunch with an ex coworker of mine, who loathes this guy, so we were able to vent our frustrations together. I keep trying to think of how miserable he must be with his lonely life to act out the way he does and try so desperately to make others look bad, but when you’re an asshole, it’s hard to feel for you. So I’ve had this little battle with my lovely coworker going on that has just bummed me out at work.

Then there’s my sister. I love all my sisters. All three of them. They are great people and deserve the best in life. However, one of my sisters has always been very negative and judgmental toward me. There’s only so long I can spend around her before I begin to feel attacked. Her way of attacking is snide, rude comments and backstabbing motives. My way of attacking is yelling and screaming. She always knows how to push me to that breaking point, and then recoil in this facade of innocence and turn the blame on me. It’s been this little game most of our life and into adulthood, and I’ve finally decided enough is enough. I’m sick of being made out as the bad guy. It’s incredibly unhealthy. My therapist has advised me to cut all toxic people out of my life. She’s my sister, so I don’t want to cut her out, but I’ve been guarding myself and just not allowing myself to be as open to her. If I don’t open myself up to someone I know will hurt me, there’s a good chance I won’t be hurt. But I’m still trying to be there for her when she needs me. Well, this didn’t sit well with her and I was attacked last night for not talking to her as much as I should. This is the sister who has probably never asked me how I’m doing, yet consistently wants others to inquire over her health. Which I do, because I care. I tried to brush off what she said, and let her know that I’m sorry it came off that way to avoid an argument over text messaging across the country. She wasn’t having it and proceeded to blame me for anything and everything. I then felt I had no choice but to let her know how I felt about our interactions and that I wasn’t putting any blame on her, but I was tired of being the bad guy and I just felt that I needed to protect myself. Again, the attacks of how I’m to blame and I’m an uncaring scary (maybe evil, monstrous as well?) person. With my sister, it’s always about her, she’s the only one allowed to feel any pain. She just doesn’t try to listen or understand those around her. It’s just hard to deal with a selfish person. I know we all have them in our lives, but we can only give so much to them and deal with the pain until we’ve just had enough. So, I’m not looking forward to the picture she’ll paint of me in our family now, but what am I supposed to do when someone close to me is always hurting me? Sometimes, I just have to look out for myself. With that being said, despite my issues with my sister, I still think she’s capable of being a great person and is to many people. I wish things were better between us as I love my family very much.

At least the boyfriend and I have been able to fix our problems. I’m so grateful that he’s actually the kind of person that will listen and try to see situations through the other person’s eyes. I don’t think I could handle being in a relationship with someone who wasn’t able to be open that way! Well, I guess my ranting is done for now. Thanks to anyone who was able to get through my annoyances as of late. Nothing like some good ol bitching to get you through a Tuesday. Maybe now that those few disturbances have been written down, I’ll feel a little lighter.

Photo

Advertisements

An Odyssey Built on Nightmares

 

medium_4331457272

 

There I came into her house and saw her, strained, yet still alive, 

Her figure once strong and full of life now was slightly waspish. 

A gnarled finger, covered in dust and sweat, lifted then and told me what she would need,

A lockbox green and shrouded would be stashed in vines of green.

 

 I stumbled now, into the woods, shielding my face from the sun. 

A mass of vines were thick and dense and scratched my skin quite raw. 

Higher I climbed and thicker they grew, their vibration causing me quite a toll,

Yet finally, there it sat- a little ajar- this lockbox that would save her dying soul. 

 

There I came back in her house, with grandmother’s dying request,

An alkaline cloud diffused from the chimney as people circled the table, laying out holiday plates.

A gas mask rested upon each head, these relatives, blood of mine,

The fog grabbed and stung on my bare throat as I staggered through, leaving them all behind.

 

Was I too late? Had this murderous crew ended her fear induced insomnia?

Was this thin light body cloaked somewhere, empty hands waiting for her treasure?

I held a cloth over my mouth, vitiating my senses the fog was now too thick, 

I passed each person, dining in their masks, shoveling their stuffing down quick.

 

Eyes rolled through the glass as each gaze questioned my offending motive,

I was lost, but determined to fight the butchery, of this maddening world gone barbaric. 

So I ventured on, despite the terror and the fog blinding my ability to see, 

She needed this gold, this hidden treasure she had constructed, to aid her on our own Odyssey. 

 

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Prompt.

Photo

Shout out to the old man-

daddy

My dad and I may not be the closest to where I feel comfortable talking to him about anything- but he’s always been there for me. Always. This guy will bend over backward (well, maybe not, he does have a bad back) and do anything to make sure I am okay. During countless fights with my mom, he would always be there to calm me down and let me know that he understands where I’m coming from. If I have even the slightest little problem and I mention it to him, he’ll go into super dad action mode and want to fix it right then and there. I would often find myself embarrassed when I accidentally unleased the raging father onto anyone that had slightly wronged me, but now living across the country from him, I could sure use him barging into a few places right about now. I’ve seen him try his hardest to be a good husband and the pain in his eyes when his love isn’t returned. I’ve seen the crushing look on his face when one of my other siblings, who he also does so much for, curls her lip in disgust when he jokes to cheer her up. It must not be easy living in a household full of girls, so I have nothing but respect for this man who has been a caring father and never left us, even though we’re all a bit crazy. When I’m upset, he makes me feel better. When I was a child, terrified to sleep for fear of my panic inducing nightmares, he would rub my back and tell me of all the fun and exciting upcoming things we would do until I drifted off to sleep. Hearing him tell me how happy he is whenever I come home to see him now, and I can tell he truly means it, makes me so grateful to have him for a father. So, despite that one time you threatened to get rid of my newly acquired pet python- causing me to sob in a restaurant- and told me I would scare away men forever because of that, you’re still one amazing pops.

photo (15)

Happy Father’s Day to all you wonderful fathers out there and also to the people who play the role of that figure for someone who may not have their father around anymore.

Shattered Glass

medium_212841130

If I could transform it all, I’d go back in time. I’d pour my heart out, grasp you, show you this ubiquitous love, -make you mine. These callous thoughts that clench my brain, seizing my emotions will be my forever existing bane.

I believe it was there at one point. I feel it now. A mirage is something that I know couldn’t shade me then. If I close the eyes to the world, my memories of your face set against the rutilant flames of the night, light up my heart, give me a hope that all is right.

This tabula rasa of the mind that formed into a lifeless limp creature breathing for desire, wanting to feel. To be this way, this recondite of hurting, painful nothingness that wants something real. I bite at lips til they bleed salty tears. Just feel. Flowing reddening blood, wash away all my fears. Just allow me to feel.

You could have given me this, been a savior of sorts. I would go with you then, I halfway pine for it now. If you could see the woeful confusion, twisted mien that I wear everyday, when I speak your name or ponder what could have been.

Don’t leave me alone in this forest of emptiness, my lover, my beautiful friend. Beating my head upon this shattered glass, just hating myself for ruining it. I want that earnest aura, I want it all, please bring me away from here.

And if you don’t, if you journey on, just know that if I could have, I would have in my own way if I were free. And may you be content, encompassed with joyful love more than you could have possibly been with me.

Photo

Dream Tending

medium_4675654961

When I first started therapy, I was told to write down my dreams so my therapist could try and figure out what they meant. Well, I scoffed at this idea, because my dreams are weird and all over the place. She does give some interesting insights into my dreams that indeed makes me wonder. (Hey, maybe the therapist knows more than I do!) Anyway, today she told me about dream tending and asked if I’d ever done this before. Most of the people she sees, either can’t remember their dreams, or they’re very vague. Whenever I come in, I stun her with my exact play by play, crazy in depth situations. From dancing dead corpses, exploding pine cones that can kill anyone I throw them at, a man that chases me and eats my pets alive, my quest for the lost diamond to my engagement ring, fighting Predator, getting trampled by a horse while my family laughs, and happily being the only person left alive after a bomb explodes leaving me in a new beautiful land- she’s saying they’re trying to tell me something. (Like, perhaps, stop being so violent and emo?) In most dreams that I have, I’m being chased or I encounter some sinister person (or people) and I either kill them graphically, or wake up before I have a chance to find out what they want. Of course I tend to just go with, ‘Well, they don’t want anything. They’re fictional creations from my overactive imagination.’ She believes, however, I would benefit greatly from dream tending, which she explained as basically having an open mind (which I obviously need to work on with this subject) and going into a meditative hypnotic state where I can relive some of the intense dreams that I have – after I’ve woken up from them – and try to speak to the figures in my dream. There’s a book called Dream Tending by Stephen Aizenstat that goes into more depth of how this works and teaches you how to do this. Sure, I’m skeptical, but I’m also interested. I’m always interested when it comes to things having to do with the mind and our subconscious. Has anyone ever heard of this before? Or have you done dream tending yourself?

Photo