Things have been quite frustrating lately where I’ve found little time to write. This is odd because when I’m upset, that’s usually when the words come pouring out. But this time, my frustrations have come with that listless emotion where I just can’t bring myself to write anything down. That was something I needed to snap out of today and what better way to do that then to write down a few things that have been bothering me?
Work is one of them. Not only am I not completely happy with what I do, I have the feeling that I’m pretty useless when it comes to my position. The fact that I’m not too thrilled about my job in the first place, doesn’t help me step up and try to better myself. A big problem also has to do with one of my coworkers. He’s probably one of the most obnoxious people to be around, and I work closely with him. He seems to not have any friends, and may possibly have some sort of mental issue that causes him to act the way he does. I usually pity people this way and try to be a friend, but this guy makes it nearly impossible. He tries to steal every task I’m given, gets extremely jealous, and goes out of his way to make himself seem more important than me. He has even, at times, tried to make me look incompetent in front of other coworkers. He has very little personality and thinks of himself as a far more superior person than those around him. I had a nice lunch with an ex coworker of mine, who loathes this guy, so we were able to vent our frustrations together. I keep trying to think of how miserable he must be with his lonely life to act out the way he does and try so desperately to make others look bad, but when you’re an asshole, it’s hard to feel for you. So I’ve had this little battle with my lovely coworker going on that has just bummed me out at work.
Then there’s my sister. I love all my sisters. All three of them. They are great people and deserve the best in life. However, one of my sisters has always been very negative and judgmental toward me. There’s only so long I can spend around her before I begin to feel attacked. Her way of attacking is snide, rude comments and backstabbing motives. My way of attacking is yelling and screaming. She always knows how to push me to that breaking point, and then recoil in this facade of innocence and turn the blame on me. It’s been this little game most of our life and into adulthood, and I’ve finally decided enough is enough. I’m sick of being made out as the bad guy. It’s incredibly unhealthy. My therapist has advised me to cut all toxic people out of my life. She’s my sister, so I don’t want to cut her out, but I’ve been guarding myself and just not allowing myself to be as open to her. If I don’t open myself up to someone I know will hurt me, there’s a good chance I won’t be hurt. But I’m still trying to be there for her when she needs me. Well, this didn’t sit well with her and I was attacked last night for not talking to her as much as I should. This is the sister who has probably never asked me how I’m doing, yet consistently wants others to inquire over her health. Which I do, because I care. I tried to brush off what she said, and let her know that I’m sorry it came off that way to avoid an argument over text messaging across the country. She wasn’t having it and proceeded to blame me for anything and everything. I then felt I had no choice but to let her know how I felt about our interactions and that I wasn’t putting any blame on her, but I was tired of being the bad guy and I just felt that I needed to protect myself. Again, the attacks of how I’m to blame and I’m an uncaring scary (maybe evil, monstrous as well?) person. With my sister, it’s always about her, she’s the only one allowed to feel any pain. She just doesn’t try to listen or understand those around her. It’s just hard to deal with a selfish person. I know we all have them in our lives, but we can only give so much to them and deal with the pain until we’ve just had enough. So, I’m not looking forward to the picture she’ll paint of me in our family now, but what am I supposed to do when someone close to me is always hurting me? Sometimes, I just have to look out for myself. With that being said, despite my issues with my sister, I still think she’s capable of being a great person and is to many people. I wish things were better between us as I love my family very much.
At least the boyfriend and I have been able to fix our problems. I’m so grateful that he’s actually the kind of person that will listen and try to see situations through the other person’s eyes. I don’t think I could handle being in a relationship with someone who wasn’t able to be open that way! Well, I guess my ranting is done for now. Thanks to anyone who was able to get through my annoyances as of late. Nothing like some good ol bitching to get you through a Tuesday. Maybe now that those few disturbances have been written down, I’ll feel a little lighter.